The vast majority of us have something we would like to change about ourselves. We want to exercise more during the week. We want to exhibit more confidence to speak up in meetings. We want to better handle our emotions when we get stressed out at home and work.
However, these common examples listed of what we want to change also happen to be examples of what we are unable to change
We are unable to change because there is something deep inside us that holds us back. We have the desire to change, and maybe even made a plan to work on that change. However, when the time comes - we end up backing off of that change and resorting back to our old habits. How frustrating!
Why are we unable to change?
Let's take the example of a manager who has the desire to develop their team. They explicitly state they want to make time to invest in their employee's knowledge, skillset, and career goals. Every performance review, they promise to take time that year to help their team develop; they even put it in their own performance review to their manager.
As the year goes on, the workload seems to increase. The manager gets busy with delegating incoming work to the team. More work means less time to focus on development. As challenges arise with each piece of work, so does the manager's duty to help the team "put out the fires". The mindset becomes "keep chopping wood", as if they are all machines on an endless supply of work coming down the conveyer belt.
But then the work slows down. Instead of developing the team, the conditioned response is to clear the backlog of calls, emails, and missed tasks per assignment on the team. The manager makes time to jump in and help the team clear the backlog, only to be ready for the next "wave" of work to come in (Of course what is not included thus far has been the manager's meetings with their lateral peers and bosses, and other obligations outside of managing their team.)
If that sounds exhausting - and perhaps familiar - to you, rest assured you are not alone!
So what is the culprit of the manager's inability to change? At first glance, it would seem that the workload at this organization is keeping them from working with their team. Had the workload been more reasonable, the manager would then have time to develop their team.
But what if I told you that some other managers have the same workload, and still make time to develop their team? They are not constantly "putting out fires", they are instead empowering their team to handle these tough challenges themselves, and building their skillsets along the way. They are hands-off with the work, but make time to support their team when called upon. They help their team discover the answer on their own, rather than give the answer right away. When the work slows down, the team has time for professional development courses. The result is that those managers get their team members promoted to different positions in the company faster than the rest.
If the workload is not the reason for the inability to change, then what is it?
Many people struggle to change, in large part, because of competing priorities.
In other words, external factors such as time, money, resources, etc. are not always the root cause of the inability to change behavior. They certainly play a part, but they tend to be seen as the largest part (or even the only part). It is the internal factors that we tend to have the most control over, and those factors tend to be the biggest reasons we cannot change our behaviors.
How do you find your competing priorities?
Competing priorities can be identified with some work. This requires good self-awareness skills and time to self-reflect. If you struggle with self-awareness and/or are unable to find the time to reflect, consider working with a coach.
One tool I use for myself and my clients is inspired by the work of Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lacey in their book Immunity to Change, in which they provide a 4-part process (they call it an x-ray or immunity map) to help people self-reflect on what is holding them back from making their desired changes.
The 4 part process is as follows:
Name your desired change. This is the easy part, but should not be skipped. Write out what it is you have been trying to change. For our example above, the manager has committed to developing their team each year.
State what you are doing (or not doing) instead. There is a behavior or behaviors that is being exhibited instead of what you have expressed the desire to do. This may take some time to really look at yourself and reflect on what you're doing from a bird's eye view (versus when you are in the trenches). Once you've identified those behaviors, name them. For our example above, the manager might identify that they have a propensity towards finding the answer for their team to solve the problem at hand. They may also identify their tendency to put themselves in the position to be needed by their team.
Find the hidden competing priorities. This part is tricky, as it may lead to finding answers you are not comfortable hearing or thinking about yourself. Deep down there is something that is feeding your habitual behaviors you wish to change. These "unnamed" priorities tend to be ones you do not wish to share with the world, as they make us feel vulnerable.
In the example above, the manager's hidden competing priorities might be to always feel in control of the workload. They might also identify their desire to be needed by their team, to be "indispensable" to them.
Name the underlying assumptions behind your competing priorities. In other words, what is feeding the hidden competing priorities that cause you to behave in ways that you can't seem to change? This should be written as an "I assume ___" statement.
In the example above, the manager's competing priority of wanting to be in control might be written as: "I assume I will not be doing my job well if I do not feel in control of the workload." Additionally, competing priorities needed by the team might be written as: "I assume I will not be needed in my role if I am not indispensable to my team."
Final Thoughts:
Using the 4 part process of self-diagnosis can help you better understand your weaknesses and blindspots when it comes to changing behaviors. This is not limited to professional life - it can be used in your personal life as well. This tool is a starting point for the eventual work you will need to do to change your behaviors. But the first step is self-awareness, which is exactly what this tool is meant for when it comes to finding the root cause of the inability to change.
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